[ as hideyoshi speaks, he feels as though a stake had pierced the center of his heart. and the first thing he thinks is that he's an idiot. a complete, and utter idiot–
hideyoshi’s final thoughts collapse every worry he had– any sinking bout of loneliness that weighed down his form. it is a sudden, staggering unveiling of the words he was searching to hear, and more. he feels present, grounded again where his misery made him blind to the world around him. it’s a somber sort of happiness that finally overtakes him– a sort of pure solace he can’t quite describe.
because maybe that’s all he really wanted after all. maybe that had been his wish, now and since forever, since they started their journey– to just remain by hideyoshi until the last moments of his life. he would let hideyoshi have them, gratefully– allow him to take him to the ends of the earth and beyond, so long as they were together. that was his wish. that was his peace.
his redemption.
hideyoshi had single-handedly given him this precious company, but truly, it couldn’t have been anyone except him. ]
Yes, Hideyoshi— [ hanbei drops his head suddenly, bangs obscuring his face as the words come out breathless and choked with emotion. with all of his unraveling here, he’s not sure what he’s afraid of when he dips his head lower. as he emits subtle, wet gasps, he reaches for his arms again, the sheer act plain in the way that many, many boundaries have been crossed this afternoon.
hideyoshi is the miracle of hanbei’s life– the single, shining catalyst that set the fire in his spirit. if he has finally accepted it– accepted his friend’s fate, then… then maybe things aren’t quite so hopeless after all. that’s what he has to believe.
above all else, he knows, remembers now– he isn’t alone in all of this. ]
Ah, I'm sorry– [ he says, in the midst of rubbing his eyes and the moisture there, but trails off soon afterward. no… he shouldn't be apologizing for tears. he has much more pertinent things to apologize for.
after lowering his hands, hanbei is resolute, taking the sheets in a softer gesture, and letting out a prepared, but shaky breath. what had he been doing, until now? he had left the burden of their future on hideyoshi’s shoulders alone, and to witness the plain weakness of his mind along with his body. he wasn't a right hand, a partner, or a friend… ] Hideyoshi, I’m sorry…
[ with a tone that is finally more solid than it is distant. he… that’s right. he’s by hideyoshi’s side for a reason. he doesn't have much time left to be there– he… he can’t just let it end this way. he can’t. for the future. for history… for sakon, for otani, for mitsunari.
for hideyoshi.
he needs to support him. if he could just do that, then… maybe... ]
Hideyoshi, I– I can't allow my influence to end here… [ and he finally sees the beginnings of a picture where everything turns out alright.
hanbei drops his head again. ] I apologize… for being so weak. I let it overtake me… [ he glances to the side, transitioning from shame to hopefulness as he speaks. ] But there are still things that I can do. Even here. [ he grips his own sleeve tight suddenly, simultaneously afraid to make the promise and yet courageous enough to try– simply because hideyoshi is here.
his tone drops. even if his loneliness is remedied, it is still a sad, painful thing to discuss, and right now all he can rely on is hope. ] Isn't that right? [ in the end, he may as well be asking hideyoshi to help him write his will.
but perhaps that's what needs to be done. the two of them have always pushed forward despite the odds, for the greater good of their people, for them, for each other–
no subject
hideyoshi’s final thoughts collapse every worry he had– any sinking bout of loneliness that weighed down his form. it is a sudden, staggering unveiling of the words he was searching to hear, and more. he feels present, grounded again where his misery made him blind to the world around him. it’s a somber sort of happiness that finally overtakes him– a sort of pure solace he can’t quite describe.
because maybe that’s all he really wanted after all. maybe that had been his wish, now and since forever, since they started their journey– to just remain by hideyoshi until the last moments of his life. he would let hideyoshi have them, gratefully– allow him to take him to the ends of the earth and beyond, so long as they were together. that was his wish. that was his peace.
his redemption.
hideyoshi had single-handedly given him this precious company, but truly, it couldn’t have been anyone except him. ]
Yes, Hideyoshi— [ hanbei drops his head suddenly, bangs obscuring his face as the words come out breathless and choked with emotion. with all of his unraveling here, he’s not sure what he’s afraid of when he dips his head lower. as he emits subtle, wet gasps, he reaches for his arms again, the sheer act plain in the way that many, many boundaries have been crossed this afternoon.
hideyoshi is the miracle of hanbei’s life– the single, shining catalyst that set the fire in his spirit. if he has finally accepted it– accepted his friend’s fate, then… then maybe things aren’t quite so hopeless after all. that’s what he has to believe.
above all else, he knows, remembers now– he isn’t alone in all of this. ]
Ah, I'm sorry– [ he says, in the midst of rubbing his eyes and the moisture there, but trails off soon afterward. no… he shouldn't be apologizing for tears. he has much more pertinent things to apologize for.
after lowering his hands, hanbei is resolute, taking the sheets in a softer gesture, and letting out a prepared, but shaky breath. what had he been doing, until now? he had left the burden of their future on hideyoshi’s shoulders alone, and to witness the plain weakness of his mind along with his body. he wasn't a right hand, a partner, or a friend… ] Hideyoshi, I’m sorry…
[ with a tone that is finally more solid than it is distant. he… that’s right. he’s by hideyoshi’s side for a reason. he doesn't have much time left to be there– he… he can’t just let it end this way. he can’t. for the future. for history… for sakon, for otani, for mitsunari.
for hideyoshi.
he needs to support him. if he could just do that, then… maybe... ]
Hideyoshi, I– I can't allow my influence to end here… [ and he finally sees the beginnings of a picture where everything turns out alright.
hanbei drops his head again. ] I apologize… for being so weak. I let it overtake me… [ he glances to the side, transitioning from shame to hopefulness as he speaks. ] But there are still things that I can do. Even here. [ he grips his own sleeve tight suddenly, simultaneously afraid to make the promise and yet courageous enough to try– simply because hideyoshi is here.
his tone drops. even if his loneliness is remedied, it is still a sad, painful thing to discuss, and right now all he can rely on is hope. ] Isn't that right? [ in the end, he may as well be asking hideyoshi to help him write his will.
but perhaps that's what needs to be done. the two of them have always pushed forward despite the odds, for the greater good of their people, for them, for each other–
it can be done one, last time. ]